My Weighted Romance

For as long as I can remember I’ve been on a diet. Whether it was to encourage my mum who was watching her weight at the time, or it was to shed to extra pounds gained from an extra session in secondary, the diet plan was always similar – cut out carbs and fill up on proteins and veggies.

Yeah right. Tell that to a teenager.

I’ve never been a foodie, but my problem has always been my constant desire to keep my mouth moving. Hungry or not, I must put something in my mouth and gum has never been able to solve this problem. That’s why I’ve seen myself progress from a size 10 when I was in my early teens to a size 16 at age 20.

The constant battle to lose or just maintain the size 16 frame has seen me embark on countless diets, cleanses and botched exercise endeavors. As at 2012 I was a size 22 – I wasn’t sexy and I knew it.

With my weight gain I refused to exercise but instead swallowed miracle pills, drank tasteless herbal teas and numerous concocted drinks all bearing the same promise of miraculous weight loss. The pictures were there to show those massive fat frogs who had consumed this product and miraculous shed off the weight. I was determined to be one of them.

I had heard stories of different people who ate normal everyday food, didn’t exercise and still didn’t put on weight. But here I was barely eating but basically snacking, occasionally, and the weight was creeping in and making me look like a swollen watermelon. There had to be an easier way asides exercise.

A friend made a new discovery and it was Zilux tea. All I had to do was drink this tea at night before bed and voila, I would be slim again. Although it cost me some big bucks, I purchased this life changing tea and expected my miracle.

OMG. I had never pooped so much in my life.

My nights were spent on the toilet bowl, purging my insides out. I called the distributors and was told that I was experiencing the weight loss process, no need to fear, everything was fine. Like Seriously! How was purging through the night normal?

 I stuck to my guns. Determination overrode common sense and the nightly discomfort, to slim down I must.

As you would expect, at the end of the prescribed torture period, I was still FAT, dehydrated, pooped on my bed and sleep deprived. Needless to say I was unhappy but took solace in vanilla ice cream with red velvet cake and I was happy again.

I’ll try again next year.

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