On November 1, 2015 I saw my brother. I hadn’t seen him in 4 years but I had come to accept he wasn’t coming around here anymore. But on November 1st he was here and it was beautiful.
It is dark outside, the evening is cool and breezy. In the parlor upstairs, he’s bent over the floor, ironing. He’s smiling and singing in his beautiful melodic voice and my heart smiles.
True to form the first thing I say is ‘help me iron my clothes for church tomorrow, you know I hate ironing’. He takes the dress from me and starts ironing, no complaints, no elicited favors. I just sit in the corner and watch him while we talk about things that really are irrelevant in the skim of things.
When he’s all done ironing, we start singing. He brings out his guitar and we just go to town singing any and every song. Lil J and Vero jump in and just keep going, song after song. I don’t think I have been happier than in those moments with all 4 of us singing, laughing and just being goofy kids again. My sister tries to make us sing ‘Somewhere Over The Rainbow’ https://youtu.be/PSZxmZmBfnU but I cut her off. We sing ‘Somewhere In Neverland’ by the All Time Low over and over again instead. https://youtu.be/PvffTOU7HBs
They are all looking at me strangely just because I don’t want to stop singing. I know what happens when I stop. James is smiling and looking into my eyes like he’s done many times and I’m happy to be here not thinking or feeling. Then in a blink of an eye it’s gone. I’m staring at blue curtains and the greying clouds outside my bedroom.
My heart can’t take the switch. I close my eyes trying to bring that reality back but it’s gone and it’s not coming back. James is not coming back. This is not the reality I want to be in anymore.