I Remember You

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Birthdays are special. For one day, you are the centre of attraction. And everyone who matters to you makes you feel special. As the celebrant you stand at the precipice of new beginnings.

Today I remember a young man who has missed 7 birthdays but yet ages daily in my mind and heart. I can see his beards, his full head of hair and that quirky smile and raised eyebrows.

I remember the football field cake made in honor of your 8th birthday.
I remember your afro.
I remember your kindness and selflessness.
I remember your loyalty.
I remember your strength, your confident charm and your voice.
I remember…

Happy birthday James. I still gat you.

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Fighting Demons

There was a sound.

It was eerily soft.

So soft it could be missed.

It was dark outside and she knew she was alone. But there it was again. That sound. The sound of measured breathing, of hushed whispers. The air was heavy and the darkness in the room was overpowering – she felt suffocated. 

The hairs on her hand and neck stood. She could hear her heart beat and feel the sweat build on her forehead. ‘Calm Down’ she spoke to her heart, trying to get her breathing under control. There’s no one here. It’s just us. But she couldn’t shake the feeling of a presence.

She reached for the light switch on the side of the bed. The room stayed dark. Stumbling out of bed her foot trips on objects on the floor – a stool, a tiny object with wheels… probably a toy train – She was on the ground.

‘You’re scaring yourself’ she muttered to herself. As she tried to stand, she felt stuck. Paralyzed. What is happening? Her mind questioned. 

There it was again… The quiet whisper. She couldn’t understand the words. It was mocking her… 

She couldn’t breathe… She could feel hands on her neck but when she moved to pull them off, there was nothing there. It was winning… She fought back, kicking and trying to scream, but no sound came out.

She was panicking. Nothing made sense. She was fighting for her life but there was nobody there.

From the corner of her eyes she saw a pair of eyes. Staring with quiet enjoyment. She could feel the wicked grin even though it was too dark to make out. 
She must be dreaming, she thought. Or imagining things. 

This couldn’t be real. Could it?

The eyes were moving towards her, slowly. Hesitant at first but advancing more surely.

As her eyes rolled back in her head and she felt her life slipping away the eyes were finally above her, close enough to recognize. Reaching upwards with one hand,  she attempts to touch the form – prove this is real and she’s really dying.

She’s free. Gasping for breathe, she jumps up and runs to the corner of the room, wiping tears from her eyes and trying to adjust to the darkness. 

Her neck was bruised, her side hurt, her eyes were puffy, there was blood on her nose and mouth. She felt like a mess. 

It wasn’t a dream after all. This was her living nightmare. 

The brain fog finally cleared and she realized she was in her room. Taking measured steps she finds the light switch and the room is enveloped with light. 

There they was. Those eyes. Those evil vengeful eyes. Only this time they stared at her, empty, powerless and lifeless.

She smiled. It was not a happy smile but a smile of relief. 

And walked into the shower. 

Her blistered lips didn’t hurt anymore from her facial movements.

‘Today is going to be a great day’ she said,  thinking about how to dispose his lifeless body, reclined in her favorite chair.

Who Needs The Hassle Of Anger

The thing about anger is that it clouds your judgment and takes your eyes away from the things that matter. It eats away at your soul and steals your joy and whatever happiness you have going for you. 

It is indeed foolish to dwell in anger because you are closed to the possibilities and opportunities life opens up for you everyday. It is wisdom to get over yourself and your reason to be angry because 90% of the time, the recipient of your anger has moved on to other things while you remain in pettiness and boiling rage. 

Easier said than done, I know, but make the decision to look beyond the situation and let go of the anger. Nothing should be that important to steal your joy and piece of mind. 

Ciao. 

Crossing Over To 2016

As the hours tick by to the end of 2015, words fail me as I try to capture the mix of emotions coursing through me.

Every new year brings with it it’s specially packaged gifts and 2015 was a year with mixed packages. At the start of 2015, I armed myself with a long list detailing all the gifts I expected from 2015, but as I exit the year, I exit with a sense of semi-satisfaction and optimism for 2016. I may not have gotten all I wanted but it was quite a year.

I am grateful for all the events of 2015 – the friends that became family, the stresses and hurdles that taught me patience and faith; and the experiences that shaped my world view and kept me charging forward, full speed ahead.

I raise my glass to you, 2016. To New beginnings, Fresh starts and Conquering new territories. The pictures in my head are so vivid I can touch them; 2016 is going to be a great year.

Happy New Year.
XOXO

Step Up & Swing

Babe-Ruth-fear-I was in the shower last night and the phrase on the right popped into my head. I remember it from the movie ‘A Cinderella Story’ and for me, it was just another prop within the movie to aid the plot and steer the central character to her eventual happy ending.

I finally took time to pause, do some soul search and meditate on its meaning. Fear is a funny thing, it provides a deceptive cover of security when in actual fact it keeps us rooted in situations we would be better off leaving behind.

Letting go of fear for me is like letting go of a close companion I’ve had for years; difficult tedious and emotionally draining. Some days it feels like one step forward and two steps back but at least there’s movement and with movement, progress.

So, like me, everyday step up to the bat and play the game the best way you can cause it’ll totally be worth it.

Reflection

I think I’m dying. I feel nothing. There’s a distant hum in the background the sound of music, merriment, people going about their lives. Why does it sound so far away?

I hear soft cries. It’s the muffled sounds of crying and it echoes around me. My eyes finally focus and follow the sounds I hear. The room is dark and I can hardly make out the shapes around me. The moon casts a dull ray of light into the room and as I focus on the light, I see a figure huddled just beyond the light cast by the moon. The sounds are coming from over there. I stand and feel light headed and sit back down. My eyes adjust to the darkness and I look again at the figure tucked away in the shadows. It looks like a girl and she’s sitting with her head buried in her arms.

‘Why are you crying darling?’ I ask trying to find my way in the dark room to where she’s sitting. The crying becomes muffled. I see now that it is a young girl as she tries to melt into the wall hiding her presence. Her hair is woven into neat cornrows, there are bright colored bangles on her right arm and her nails are painted in a dark shade that I cannot make out. I’m on my hands and knees now and I crawl closer and say a little more softly, ‘why are you crying darling?’

Hands still buried in her arms she says softly ‘I don’t know’. Shaking her head, she says between sobs ‘Where am I? What am I doing here? Everything just feels wrong’. I seat close to her and put my arms around her trying in my little way to comfort her. She looks so broken, sitting there.

She lifts her head and says into the darkness, ‘I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like I’m living someone else’s life. Like I’m a visitor in my own body. What happened to me? I used to be happy. I knew what I wanted and went for it. But after taking so many twists and turns, I forget who I was, who I am.’

Goose bumps creep all over my body as she continues to speak in a deadpan voice. She turns, looks into my eyes and I see into her dead unfathomable soul. I feel the emotions coursing through her and it suddenly hurts to breathe. Her thoughts are my thoughts, her fears are my fears. Her pain is mine.

I begin to cry, mirroring her tears. Its wretches out of me as I seat huddled in the corner, head buried in my arms, melting into the wall. Crying for what once was and struggling to figure out how to find my way back to the life I was meant to live. Back to the real me.

The real me, unmarred by unworthy causes, compromises, bad decisions and wasted promises. I want to be happy again. I want to live. I want to be found

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Song of The Day – Alone Again, Naturally (Gilbert O’Sullivan)

Song of The Day – Alone Again, Naturally (Gilbert O’Sullivan).

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Song about acceptance of the state of being alone. Being alone is not particularly a bad thing but sometimes its what it can do to your mind that’s the bothersome part.

The song speaks about being alone after being left at the alter and the feeling of loss from the death of both parents. Sad moments in one’s life when you think about it.

Strength is seen when we triumph over the dark pull from the pit that is loneliness. When we look on the bright side and focus on the good and endless potential that lies ahead.

Being alone is a good time to pause, reflect and accept that we are all alone in this world anyway.

And if we are all alone, we are together in that too.

Enjoy the song

Song For The Day: G.R.L. – Ugly Heart

Song For The Day: G.R.L. – Ugly Heart.

ugly heartEver meet the perfect fine boy – The Mr. Perfect of your dreams – and he turns out to be a complete asshole and the biggest jerk of the millennium? If you haven’t, then you’re one of the lucky ones. But if you’re like me and have met ‘a few’, then I think you would enjoy this.

This is dedicated to all the pretty boys with ugly hearts.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxRQNO8vg2Y