Birthdays are special. For one day, you are the centre of attraction. And everyone who matters to you makes you feel special. As the celebrant you stand at the precipice of new beginnings.
Today I remember a young man who has missed 7 birthdays but yet ages daily in my mind and heart. I can see his beards, his full head of hair and that quirky smile and raised eyebrows.
I remember the football field cake made in honor of your 8th birthday.
I remember your afro.
I remember your kindness and selflessness.
I remember your loyalty.
I remember your strength, your confident charm and your voice.
I’m not talking about the movie that Simon Pegg was in. Don’t get me wrong I did enjoy the movie. The movie title is quite thought provoking, so I decided to create a list of inappropriate actions befitting the title.
Forget their birthdays: Nothing pisses off friends more than forgetting their birthdays. Especially when they told you the day before ‘tomorrow is my birthday’. Great Scott, I totally forgot cos you’re not that important.
Show up late or not at all for every event they throw/organize and do not have a tangible excuse for coming late. “Bridget, why weren’t you at my baby christening?” response: “No particular reason. But I had more entertaining things to do at home”.
Ignore Phone calls: Do not pick up calls of numbers you have saved. Ignore missed calls and text messages. Only attend to life and death situations.
Embarrass your friends and family in public. Nothing says ‘I don’t give a rat’s ass about your feelings’ like airing dirty laundry in public. Create a scene aimed at humiliating
Public farting will earn you a label and a reputation; it will also ensure that people avoid you at all costs.
Use inappropriate language and swear a lot. Drop the ‘F’ word, the ‘N’ bomb and every other obscene immoral combination you can come up with. Combining this with a very LOUD voice will make you a hit to avoid. ‘Loud mouthed f**keroo’.
Develop a snobbish attitude. Look down and condemn every single thing. Have a superiority complex and make asses of everyone else.
Go around smelling people. If they aren’t freaked out then I don’t know what else would do the trick. Smell your friends like they were freshly picked flowers every time you see them; or on the flip side, place a peg on your nose whenever they come around then say “You stink, didn’t you know that? Gosh!”
I may not have captured all the strong points but this is how I’ve successfully eliminated ‘friends’ from my social circle. It’s like I have split personalities and … but that’s a story for another day.
If you have further suggestions for the list, I’m open to hear them.