I Remember You

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Birthdays are special. For one day, you are the centre of attraction. And everyone who matters to you makes you feel special. As the celebrant you stand at the precipice of new beginnings.

Today I remember a young man who has missed 7 birthdays but yet ages daily in my mind and heart. I can see his beards, his full head of hair and that quirky smile and raised eyebrows.

I remember the football field cake made in honor of your 8th birthday.
I remember your afro.
I remember your kindness and selflessness.
I remember your loyalty.
I remember your strength, your confident charm and your voice.
I remember…

Happy birthday James. I still gat you.

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If I Die Young…

I think about death sometimes. The finality of it; it’s the end of life as you know it, no more opportunities to re-right a wrong or show love to someone neglected or forgive a wrong or just have a simple conversation.

When I think about how casually we say ‘see you tomorrow’ or ‘goodnight’, I wonder how sure we all are that we will indeed see each other tomorrow; if tomorrow indeed ever comes. I know as a Christian we have faith that all will be well and our protection is guaranteed but it really isn’t.

I know its morbid thinking like this but I didn’t appreciate the words “see you later or tomorrow” until November 2011. I lost my brother on November 2011; 11-11-11 has a new meaning to me cos that was the day I walked into the hospital and saw his cold lifeless body on the hospital bed with tubes sticking out of his body. I still see him when I close my eyes sometimes. He was 27 years old. The image above were his farewell message to a friend some days before he was hospitalized.

I guess for me it was a wake-up call for me cos I am always busy – with school work and office work. I hardly have time for anything else. You guessed, I’m single and I have a demanding job that requires me to be everything to everyone.

When he was in the hospital, I was shuttling work and preparing for my exams. I was there but I wasn’t really there. I guess that’s what gets me more, the fact that I took for granted that he was recovering and would soon be discharged that I went on with life as usual, juggled things around to accommodate visits to the hospital. Boy was I wrong.

Had I known that his getting better was a preamble to death, then I would have made time – postponed my exams, taken a leave of absence from work, camped at the hospital, spent every time I had talking to him, laughing with him and making him happy during the 2 weeks we had him.

Had I known never solved anything I know but it’s a hard feeling to shake. I still cry every time I pass by the hospital or remember one of his jokes but they are not all sad tears because I know he was a good kid, with a big heart who was loved by many.

I stumbled on an old recording I had of him singing and playing his guitar and my heart literally stopped for a second and I could barely breathe and the tears came rushing back. I thought I was better, his passing being almost 7 years now but I think you never really heal, never get over it. The pain lingers just beneath the surface waiting to surprise you at unexpected moments.

The point of this tirade is this:

  1. Live life to the fullest
  2. Don’t take the people in your life for granted
  3. Love with all your heart
  4. Remember that every day is a gift.

Death might be the end for you here but you need to live a life worth remembering.

Love and Light.

Fighting Demons

There was a sound.

It was eerily soft.

So soft it could be missed.

It was dark outside and she knew she was alone. But there it was again. That sound. The sound of measured breathing, of hushed whispers. The air was heavy and the darkness in the room was overpowering – she felt suffocated. 

The hairs on her hand and neck stood. She could hear her heart beat and feel the sweat build on her forehead. ‘Calm Down’ she spoke to her heart, trying to get her breathing under control. There’s no one here. It’s just us. But she couldn’t shake the feeling of a presence.

She reached for the light switch on the side of the bed. The room stayed dark. Stumbling out of bed her foot trips on objects on the floor – a stool, a tiny object with wheels… probably a toy train – She was on the ground.

‘You’re scaring yourself’ she muttered to herself. As she tried to stand, she felt stuck. Paralyzed. What is happening? Her mind questioned. 

There it was again… The quiet whisper. She couldn’t understand the words. It was mocking her… 

She couldn’t breathe… She could feel hands on her neck but when she moved to pull them off, there was nothing there. It was winning… She fought back, kicking and trying to scream, but no sound came out.

She was panicking. Nothing made sense. She was fighting for her life but there was nobody there.

From the corner of her eyes she saw a pair of eyes. Staring with quiet enjoyment. She could feel the wicked grin even though it was too dark to make out. 
She must be dreaming, she thought. Or imagining things. 

This couldn’t be real. Could it?

The eyes were moving towards her, slowly. Hesitant at first but advancing more surely.

As her eyes rolled back in her head and she felt her life slipping away the eyes were finally above her, close enough to recognize. Reaching upwards with one hand,  she attempts to touch the form – prove this is real and she’s really dying.

She’s free. Gasping for breathe, she jumps up and runs to the corner of the room, wiping tears from her eyes and trying to adjust to the darkness. 

Her neck was bruised, her side hurt, her eyes were puffy, there was blood on her nose and mouth. She felt like a mess. 

It wasn’t a dream after all. This was her living nightmare. 

The brain fog finally cleared and she realized she was in her room. Taking measured steps she finds the light switch and the room is enveloped with light. 

There they was. Those eyes. Those evil vengeful eyes. Only this time they stared at her, empty, powerless and lifeless.

She smiled. It was not a happy smile but a smile of relief. 

And walked into the shower. 

Her blistered lips didn’t hurt anymore from her facial movements.

‘Today is going to be a great day’ she said,  thinking about how to dispose his lifeless body, reclined in her favorite chair.

Who Needs The Hassle Of Anger

The thing about anger is that it clouds your judgment and takes your eyes away from the things that matter. It eats away at your soul and steals your joy and whatever happiness you have going for you. 

It is indeed foolish to dwell in anger because you are closed to the possibilities and opportunities life opens up for you everyday. It is wisdom to get over yourself and your reason to be angry because 90% of the time, the recipient of your anger has moved on to other things while you remain in pettiness and boiling rage. 

Easier said than done, I know, but make the decision to look beyond the situation and let go of the anger. Nothing should be that important to steal your joy and piece of mind. 

Ciao. 

Who Are You, Really? 

Hold still for a moment and ask yourself ‘Who Am I, Really? 

When you peel back the many layers of falsehood, fained attitudes and forced attributes, who will we find hidden beneath? 

As 2016 draws to a close, let us look back on the year and identify those lines we crossed that we swore we never would, those actions which were betrayals of our true selves and have haunted us for so long. Make a commitment to stay true to your beliefs. 

Let 2017 be the year of your rebirth. A time to show the world who you really are irrespective of what they think or believe. Be true to yourself. 

Release 

Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.
1 Peter 5:7 KJV

http://bible.com/1/1pe.5.7.KJV

Worrying and over analyzing is something I’m good at. I overthink many decisions, actions and inactions and sometimes worry myself sick imagining any and every outcome. It is exhausting and mentally draining and as much as I’ve tried to shake the habit, it still takes a hold on me.

Worry and fear and best friends. They do everything together. As I battle the constant pull of worry, I have realised that fear has to be tackled first.

Scripture says to cast your cares on God, which for me means letting go and releasing myself from the shackling grip of the fear of the unknown.

When the fear comes, I picture myself swimming, releasing myself from the pull of the water dragging me down so I can float and glide and be free. That’s what casting your cares means; submitting to a higher power and knowing that though you don’t have the answers right now, they will come and the pull of the waves will not swallow you up.

I cast my cares on God because I know everything will work together for my good.

Smoothies Prep Sunday

It’s back to the kitchen for me as I prep for my week of greens and juices. 
For the life of me I’m not entirely sure what combinations I’ll be making or what the final outcome would be; but I’m giddy with excitement. 

Cheers to tasty green smoothies. 

Food For Thought: Receiving An Equal Measure

For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them. And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same. And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again. But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil. Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful. Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven: Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.
Luke 6:32‭-‬38 KJV

http://bible.com/1/luk.6.32-38.KJV

I got a new take on Luke 6:38 today. We often associate the reference of ‘Give and it will come back to you’ to references of money and financial blessings. But looking at it in the context of th e preceding verses, one sees that returns referred to in vs. 38 are linked to the rewards of stayed judgements, restricted condemnations, expressions of mercy and forgiveness.

Yes we can lay claim to God’s word and speak Luke 6:38 into our seeds and finances but what if we confess it as it was intended can we be so bold as to ask for equal measure of forgiveness, mercy, stay on condemnation and judgment?

Let’s think on these things and pray for a right spirit that is free from animosity, anger, wrath and vengeance.

Musings On My Weight

Ever since I could remember I’ve been engaged in some form of exercise or the order. I am always baffled at how I got to be a whooping size 20 and gradually creeping into size 22. Don’t gasp too muchmuch, that was almost 4 years ago. 

How did I turn a corner? It started with a dress. Late 2011,i think September, I made a black and pink dress for a wedding. It cost me some money when I think about how much I was paid back then so I saved it for special occasions. In March of 2012, it was a battle to fit into this lovely black dress I had worn months before. The dress tore that day while at the afternoon gathering and it took the help from a colleague and several safety pins to hold it together till I could bolt out of the venue. 

That embarrassing situation got me thinking about my health, my weight and my state of mind. It made me sit up and take my life seriously as at the time my blood pressure was through the roof.

There were a lot of false starts and reboots; experiments with exercises, exercise equipments and instructors [Shaun T, Charlene Johnson and Jillian Michaels are my absolute favorites]; diet mishaps, shakes and mixtures. Through it all, my eyes are on the prize – I have a dream, that one day I’ll fit into a size 14 dress and all will be well with the world. 

Till that day comes, I’ll be up every morning dancing, running or lifting weights and doing all I can to remain healthy in spirit, mind and body. 

Day 7: All’s Well That Ends Well 

Talk about ending with a bang. Today’s Smoothie lineup is simply divine. This was really a treat. If your not a fan of peanut butter then this isn’t for you. 

Two recipes to congratulate myself in seeing this through. Because honestly, I don’t think I’ve completed any diet challenge since I started out the weight-loss journey. So for me this an accomplishment. 

Ran out and got me some protein powder yesterday so I could finish up. I was in tears as I handed over my card to pay but what can a girl do. 

So here goes, Recipe 1

2 cups Rice Milk

2 cups Spinach 

2 Bananas 

2 tablespoons Peanut Butter 

2 tablespoons Protein Powder 

4 tablespoons Chai seeds

Recipe 2

1 cup Spinach 

1 cup Soy Milk  

1 Banana  

1 cup Cucumber 

1 cup Apple 

2 tablespoons Protein Powder